Slightly Above Average
by witchdivasirenqueen
Summary: cedric dies and goes to the twilight universe which is pretty much like death anyway to fulfill his life purpose. complete parody. slash.
1. Interupted By The Plotline

[a.n. there are two fairly obscure references in this chapter. whoever reviews first with a correct reference get a poem about the pairing of their choosing. farsideoftheroom is not allowed to compete, since i told her. and silverlastsforever probably shouldn't either, because i know she'll get at least one of them. but anyone else is welcome. and i'll write them a beautiful poem. because i'm nice like that]

One day in the ever so slightly above average life of the ever so slightly above average Cedric Diggory, he woke and decided to put in his name for a chance to be Hogwarts Champion in the Triwizard Tournament, that just so happened to have been resurrected just in time for him to be of age to compete. And lo and behold, the golden boy of Hufflepuff (seriously though, what the hell is a Hufflepuff and why is their pride and glory only slightly above average?) was chosen to be champion. But Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and Won't Stop Living, was chosen as well. What an extraordinary twist of fate it was turning out to be.

Months passed, and Cedric was doing well in the Tasks. He was only slightly burned by a dragon, slightly humiliated at the dance, and slightly drowned by the merfolk. But the Third Task was approaching and not even the band-wagon-fan-girl love of his ChineseJapaneseScottish girlfriend could calm his stormy (to match his eyes of course) nerves.

As the Task began his father was screaming embarrassingly and generally making Cedric want to go into the dark scary maze of magical shrubbery just to get away. He slowly walked forward, gripping his wand in a completely sexual innuendo-less way.

The silence was oppressive. And the blast-ended skrewt wasn't overly pleasant either. He swiftly and expertly dealt with the frankenstienian creation, for he was slightly above average in all things, including animal husbandry.

Then, from ahead, came the terrifying sound of a skinny spoiled French girl being chased by a duck-footed spoiled Bulgarian boy. Running towards the noise and wondering why he hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor what with all this courage, he stumbled across Krum the Bulgarian with Strangely Northern European Attributes. Krum began to lumber towards him, a mad gleam looking something like cheep white contacts in his eyes. Cedric agilely leapt away, only to be snarled in the devilishly sentient vines. Just then, Harry Potter burst onto the scene, shouting in his cracking prepubescent voice about possession being 9/10s of the law or some such. Together they subdued Krum and ritualistically fed him to the horrifyingly hungry plant, although they had so many strong reservations. Together they began an epic running bitch fight to the cup, which had appeared suddenly directly ahead of them. Another blasted blast-ended skrewt stood in their way and Cedric was waylaid. Harry, however freakishly tiny and unable to formulate coherent thoughts without Hermione, realized it would be a very bad P.R. move to leave Cedric, a member of his own prestigious school, to be eaten by a strange lobster cockroach thing and turned back to help him. Together they fought off the skrewt and turned to face the glittering cup. After a pointlessly courteous argument, they decided to take the cup together.

With a tug deep in his stomach, Cedric realized that he was attached by the hand to the cup and whirling through space. He landed with a somehow graceful thump in a dark spooky cliché cemetery, Harry beside him in a gangly heap. Not everyone can be as slightly above average as Cedric 'Hot Diggory Damn' Diggory. The two boys rose, had a disturbing and enlightening moment where they stared into each others' eyes and realized that they had always been in love and they wanted to bang right then and there against a tombstone, and were walking toward each other with that exact purpose when they were interrupted by the plotline.

"Kill the spare!" said a hissy raspy icky voice. And Cedric Diggory, the slightly above average golden boy of Hufflepuff, dropped dead in a flash of green light.


	2. Too Pretty To Waste

[a.n. there are four references in this chapter. whoever reviews first with a correct reference get a poem about the pairing of their choosing. but anyone is welcome. and i'll write them a beautiful poem. because i'm nice like that]

Cedric Diggory opened his eyes to swirling pink mist. It was strangely pretty, particularly compared to the sickly green flash that swiftly ended his slightly above average life. He slowly sat up. The mist was sparkly. He liked it here.

"Too bad," said a voice from the mist.

It sounded like Morgan Freeman, and there was an Alanis Morssette song playing in the background. He thought it may have been "One Hand in My Pocket," but he wasn't about to admit, even postmortem, that he listened to the Canadian singer. That would be just too homosexual. And besides, he didn't even know he had those tendencies until that moment when his stormy eyes met Harry's green orbs…

"Pay attention!" the voice sounded out again.

He wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to be paying attention to, but one should listen to any voice that sounds like Morgan Freeman so he focused on the sparkles in the mist.

"That's better. Now, in case you didn't realize, you're dead. But honestly you're too pretty to waste. So I'm sending you to another world. It's slightly better than hell, so be grateful."

Cedric stood up, attractively knitting his brow into an argyle sweater. Or maybe it was going to be a cable sweater. It was far too early to definitely tell the pattern. "What?"

"Oh for My sake, just follow the sparkles."

Cedric decided to do as he was told, for he was a Hufflepuff and that is what research has found Hufflepuffs are most likely to do. And he was apparently already dead so honestly what worse could happen.

He walked towards a friendly looking clump of sparkles. They twinkled invitingly and started to move in a concentrated way. He followed, and slowly the mist grew less pink and pretty and more gray and wet. The ground beneath him was squishy and the air smelled of pine and decay and rain. He had to raise his arms to keep damp tree branches from hitting his face. He wasn't in an unknown location in Great Britain anymore.


	3. Like A Drag Queen Competition

[a.n. there aren't any references in this one. please review anyway!]

Edward walked leisurely at a superhuman speed through the woods outside of Forks. He was thinking about the new girl at school, the one he desperately wanted to eat. She smelled yummy and he was a psychotic creep with no life. He was so consumed with his murderous and unintentionally hilarious thoughts he didn't notice at first a strange new smell in the forest. It smelled like earl grey tea. Cheap earl grey tea, but the scent was slightly above average. Curious by nurture and reckless by nature, he decided to see what was introducing this strange new aroma. It was barely moments before he was sitting in a tree watching a bewildered-looking slightly above average boy of about his "age" stumbling towards him.

Edward then realized that he was rather stupidly sitting in direct sunlight without a shirt, and was therefore sparkling like a drag queen competition.

Instead of fleeing, he decided that if he was going to hell he might as well do it thoroughly and scare the boy to death. Little did he know that Cedric was already dead.

Cedric was startled to see his friendly patch of sparkles coalesce into the form of a boy of about his age sitting shirtless in a tree and sparkling.

Edward looked at Cedric.

Cedric looked at Edward.

At almost the same moment, when golden inhuman eyes met gray human eyes, the boys realized that the other was slightly above average in every way.


	4. My Mirror's My Best Friend

[a.n. there are two, maybe three, references in this chapter. whoever reviews first with a correct reference get a poem about the pairing of their choosing. but anyone is welcome. and i'll write them a beautiful poem. because i'm nice like that]

It was like looking in a mirror. And the reflection having different eyes. So a really jacked up mirror.

Cedric spoke first, "Where am I?"

"A forest…" Blank stare. "Forks…" Blank stare. "Washington? The United States? North America? Earth? Anything ringing a bell?"

"Vaguely… So I'm not in Great Britain?"

"… No"

"Am I dead?"

"What?" Edward was confused. He hadn't heard this awkward a conversation since he listened in on the new girl trying to make a joke in gym class.

"I think I might be… do I look dead to you?"

The two stared at each other, Edward awkwardly swallowing, Cedric with a wide-eyed half smile.

"Do you know were I could find a…"

Cedric broke off mid-sentence when Edward leapt out of the tree and landed beside him. Slightly above averagely straight noses barely inches apart, the two locked mismatched eyes and circled. If there were a camera recording the scene he would be panning in and out like a two year old who just discovered how to zoom.

"You look just like me. Except for your eyes. You have slightly above average eyes," the two said together.

"It's like a mirror," said Edward.

"I like mirrors. My mirror's my best friend," said Cedric.

"I like this better," said Edward, touching Cedric warm living hand with his icy one.


	5. Life Purpose

WARNING SLASH!

[a.n. there aren't any references in this chapter and it's my first attempt at slash prose so be gentle when you review. it's not meant to be erotica (honestly it's nowhere near that arousing), just a way for cedric to die. and maybe i can get better at writing this.]

The jolt of physical contact was the only catalyst the boys needed to send them falling towards each other in a passionate kiss. Their lips, so different yet so very much alike, feverishly attacked whatever of the other they could reach. Bruises blossomed over Cedric's pale human skin as Edward ran his icy hands over his shoulders and back.

Clothing was becoming a hindrance, and Edward made quick work of ripping Cedric's shirt from his body. Edward's fingers traced the slightly above average lines of his chest while Cedric raked his nails down his back. The difference between yielding flesh and icy stone was strange and arousing.

Cedric threw back his head and whimpered as Edward moved his hands lower, exploring his hips and the ticklish skin of his low back. It was quickly becoming apparent that all Cedric's flesh wasn't soft and yielding. His skin was fire compared to Edward's ice.

Cedric started backing Edward against a tree, running teasing fingers over his marble chest, gently tickling his naval. He pressed his burning palm over Edward's tented pants and the two moaned together.

Cedric was suddenly on his back on the forest floor with Edward straddling him and removing his pants. Cedric made a somehow attractive squeak when he felt Edward's cold fingers reached his aching cock.

Edward was a virgin, as he assumed Cedric was, but was nonetheless skillful and gentle with the human boy. He spread Cedric's legs positioned himself. He kissed him as he entered without any preparation.

Cedric was filled with a mix of excruciating pain and pleasure. He felt his flesh ripping and his pelvis beginning to crack as Edward slowly began to move. He moaned into Edward's mouth as his hot flesh slid against Edward's icy chest. Edward moved faster.

The pain of internal organs rupturing was overlooked by Cedric's mind by the mounting ecstasy of his orgasm. Feeling Cedric shudder beneath him and the growing hot mess on his chest, Edward gasped and shook as his completion overtook him, jerkily moving in and out of Cedric's ruined body.

"That's what I was saving you for!" came a voice from the sky. It sounded a lot like Morgan Freeman. He sounded amused. "Now you're done."

Cedric was still shuddering, blood pooling under his skin. The bones in his lower body were broken, his ribs splintered. He couldn't stop his jerky shuddering movements even though each one sent bone shards stabbing into his flesh. He coughed. Blood dribbled out the corner of his mouth.

The scent brought Edward back down to earth. His eyes darkened with a different kind of desire. He saw Cedric lying beneath him bleeding and jerking, broken. A broken mirror.

Cedric couldn't keep breathing. It hurt too much. He looked up at his slightly above average mirror image staring down at him.

His eyes clouded. His shuddering stopped.

The slightly above average life of the golden boy of Hufflepuff was over again.

Edward couldn't resist. He lowered his lips to his broken mirror's throat.


	6. This Is Going To Be Confusing

Ali's Ending

Three days later Cedric opened his eyes from the darkness of pain. His senses where strange, heightened and changed. He furrowed his brow.

"Well, this is going to be confusing," a musical voice said.

Edward glanced over at Alice. "You want to explain things to him?"

"You break it you bought it," she smiled.

Cedric sat up, "Where am I?"

"Here we go again," sighed his now perfect mirror image.


End file.
